Wednesday, February 9, 2011

El Miedo (The Fear)

I'd only met M, my life coach, once before last night's conversation.  That was during our initial complimentary session for me to find out if she, and life coaching, was right for me.  Since then, we'd exchanged a few emails but last night was my first official session via phone.  I'd sent her my limiting beliefs and done my homework on the ELI results.  She was impressed that I'd clearly thought about it and done some homework, which leads me to believe that she must get a lot of clients who are looking for her to do the work for them.  She referred to me as "engaged".  And I feel that way.

M tells me that I need to find out how my "core" thoughts are driving me.  We start delving into my results on the ELI assessment (see my prior post for description of the "levels").  Most of my energy is sitting in Level 2 (sometimes associated with anger), which she says can also come from fear.  For example, she says, fear of trusting.  I'm surprised at my reaction to her saying this to me (as I seem to often be lately).  I'm tearing up.  What the hell?  I'm literally irritated at myself for being so fragile.  And, yet, this is exactly my problem.  She says she believes my number one fear is being taken advantage of.  And I'm not disagreeing with her.  In an even stranger twist, I'm thinking about my ex-fiance (the one who dumped me five weeks before the wedding as he was concurrently sleeping with a 19 year-old).  I make a note to explore this in therapy. 

This whole "trust" thing seems to be a theme for me this week.  The fear of being taken advantage of in a romantic relationship (or relationships in general) is easily traced back to my childhood.  I spent the bulk of it caring for my brother and sister (though only as well as another kid could do - so apologies to them for that) and taking care of my own needs from the time I was really young.  It has to be said that this has made me, literally, the perfect employee.  I owe the large majority of my career success to the ability to take on anything, since this was a life requirement for me early on.  A woman who is unemotional, focused, driven, capable, energetic, competent, aggressive.  Oh, and single without kids to go home to?  If guys in charge have to choose one woman to work with, they're literally drooling to put me on the team.  The irony of this situation is that everything I am at work is everything that appears to be holding me back in life.  This realization is both exciting and totally frustrating.

She starts asking me about how I feel when someone disagrees with me.  She seems to be wanting to hone in on something, but it's not connecting with me, so she pulls back.  She keeps asking me how I feel.  And I'm hearing myself answer each time.  "I don't know".  What do I think?  No problem responding.  This has come up with me before.  This inability to recognize how I actually feel.  I've really become an expert at stuffing things down.  This is heavy shit. 

It's time to conclude and I'm given my assignments.  I'm meant to try to stop this week and periodically realize how I feel in different situations.  I'm also supposed to "create the perfect man in words".  She asks me to write everything in as much detail as possible.  We're about to hang up and she throws in a final task.  "Daydream," she says.  Ugh.  This sounds so incredibly lame.  But I'll do it.  Because she's the coach.  And because I'm learning that being so freaked out by too much emotional junk is making me like the worst date ever.  So, it's on the task list.  I'm sure you'll hear from me about it later.

So, what stuff should you be examining in yourself that you're too busy, or too freaked out by, to explore?  Trust me...if I can do it, so can you.  Hasta, sabbaticaljo

No comments:

Post a Comment