Die Hard

Well, it's the start of week four.  Pretty crazy.  I've passed the half way point.  From a glass-half-full perspective, this means I have time to at least double all that I've accomplished so far.  I woke up this morning pondering this half-way mark and what it could mean.  I'd like to think that if I've spent the last three weeks (and, frankly, the work weeks leading up to my sabbatical) focusing on who I am and the person I want to be that, perhaps, these next three weeks offer up an opportunity to try myself out a bit.  See how things fit.  Maybe make some refinements.

I was away this past weekend for some partying with friends.  It provided an interesting opportunity.  Could I still be the fun girl with all this new-found enlightenment?  Could I be someone who meditates; who visualizes her inner voice to hear what it's trying to tell her (whilst telling her mind to shut-it); who recognizes this desire not to be admired, but to be loved; who's trying to have meaningful connections.  Could I be all these things, and still be my old uninhibited self ?

The short answer is sort of.  It does get a little more complicated, and I'll come to that.  I certainly had a chance to really let loose. Not yoga-retreat-loose.  Dancing-drinking-grilled cheese at 4:30 AM-kissing strangers on the dance floor-loose. Oh yes. I was "that" girl. And I'm told it was hilarious.

Now, I've never been one to be particularly inhibited.  As long as I'm not hurting anyone (or anything beyond my own liver) and I don't have to give strong apologies in the morning, it's pretty much fair game. Admittedly, I've done things here and there in the past that if you have a clear black and white scale for right and wrong probably fall a bit in the wrong category.  But I like to live in the grey.  Not because it's easier to justify things, but because I believe that life's more complicated than right and wrong.  People do things for a lot of different reasons; reasons that you and I might not understand and aren't in a position to judge.  So, kiss a stranger (or two) on the dance floor? Yeah, I can live with that. Frankly, I can live with more, but I'll keep the blog PG-13 for now.

So back to the weekend.  Something interesting happened. While I was my "old" self in the evening, the morning brought some thought processes I hadn't previously been aware of in the past. I won't say that I didn't experience these thoughts before. I suspect they were there but I just wasn't listening. So I had a night where I was silly and (apparently) pretty funny with my antics.  But I also probably missed some opportunities to deepen some friendships and connect since I was too busy smashing my face against some random guy at a club. And then at a pub (new dance floor so, naturally, a new dude).  Now, I'm not opposed to this kind of behavior and I certainly don't judge it when it's someone else. And, if there was a "time and a place", this was probably it. But I don't want it to distract from trying to fit into this new skin of mine. A person where I not only emanate fun and energy, but also hint at something deeper and more meaningful. Not that I expect to seriously meet someone at a bar. But I was with some amazing people that I could have been spending more time with. Rather than focusing my energy on people who are ultimately "unavailable" once again. Oh, and slightly less alcohol may have helped too, but I don't want to change too much at once ;-)

I've been the fun crazy one for a long time. And I don't want to lose that. But I don't want to be making superficial connections either. So, now, I suspect it's a way of trying to bring these two halves of me together. To try to fit all the fabulous things about me (of which I know there are many thanks to all of you) into this new more open and exposed self.

Old habits die hard. But with a little more awareness, and a lot of focus, I'm hoping to make life even more meaningful. It's not about changing, but about improving on all those good things. Someone told me once that it's a lot easier to play up your strengths than change a weakness. What strengths do you have that could use some polishing? Hasta, sabbaticaljo